


crimson secrets and forbidden bliss

by Mia_Zeklos



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And a whole lot of talking happening, Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Character Study, M/M, Revelations, That's the essence of this fic really - secrets and Talking, Travel, of sorts; it's just mainly really character-focused, the slightest implications of homophobia for like a sentence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-03-15 04:51:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13605924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mia_Zeklos/pseuds/Mia_Zeklos
Summary: "There it was again. That little, crooked smile that never failed to drive him mad. TheI dare you to mess this upsmile, the one that always managed to pose a challenge. Jonathan pursed his lips."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [shadowhuntersrarepairnetwork's Valentine's Day Challenge](https://shadowhuntersrarepairnetwork.tumblr.com/post/170066362185/shadowhunters-rarepair-network-presents-the-14), for day seven: secrets or a Shadowhunter/Shadowhunter ship. I kind of did both. Second part of this to follow next week.  
> This can _sort of_ be seen as a follow-up to [this fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11337396), but there's just a tiny reference to it and you can very much take it as a standalone if you just accept the canon divergence as you go. The title is taken from [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJeh_dLjPN4).  
>  I hope you guys enjoy this and feedback is always welcome!

“Do you have any family outside of this Institute?”

“This is ridiculous.”

“I thought we could ask anything.”

“It’s not very _informative_ if you already know the answer.”

“ _You_ thought that this would be a good idea, not me.”

Alec’s stubborn scowl melted at the sight of the raised eyebrow it was met with and he sighed. “ _Yes_. Some of them live in the Lightwood Manor in Idris and a few of my cousins from my mother’s side live in Nice. My turn,” he said when he sensed that he was about to be interrupted. “If you had to work in the Council, what position would it be?”

“I don’t work in the Council.” And _his_ question had been ridiculous? Alec was the only one intent on asking hypothetical ones. “I work for you.”

“Imagine that you did. What would it be?” There it was again. That little, crooked smile that never failed to drive him mad. The _I dare you to mess this up_ smile, the one that always managed to pose a challenge. Jonathan pursed his lips.

When he had agreed to Alec’s game – not a game, really, more of a means for them to get to know each other better – he had expected to have to retell the majority of the information he had on Sebastian Verlac’s life. Much to his misfortune, the purpose of the entire exercise was only starting to dawn on him now.

It wasn’t about Alec testing him because he didn’t trust him; not anymore. It was as straightforward as it always got with him – it _was_ about getting to know him better and nothing more. For a moment, Jonathan found himself at a loss under Alec’s curious gaze from the other side of his desk.

“I don’t know,” he gave up at last. “I’d just like to have a say the next time we sign the Accords.”

“Everyone of age gets a say in _that_.” Right, of course. Sebastian Verlac would have definitely been allowed to cast his vote. _He_ would have been given the chance for a vote because his name was already in the Silent Brothers’s archives, even if Jonathan couldn’t say the same about himself. “And what would you like to change?”

“Do you want to run for the Inquisitor position next?” The teasing edge slipped into Jonathan’s voice without his explicit permission, but he went with it at the glint in Alec’s eyes. “I wouldn’t be allowed to help you with your own campaign, I’m afraid.”

Alec almost laughed this time around, even if he managed to rein it in. It was easy to notice it at this point – the way his smile tilted to the side, eyes widening and then glancing away like he didn’t want to be caught in anything but his usual stern expression. He was a hard one to read, Jonathan had thought so too, but not as hard as everyone seemed to think. Once he got the slightest bit comfortable around someone, he was like an open book even when he tried his best not to be.

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Then what is it?” Jonathan leant forward until he was noticeably into his personal space. Alec didn’t flinch. He didn’t even need to try to set the formula that seemed to work for him – confidence and the slightest hint of disobedience – in motion anymore; not when it was so _pleasant_ to play along. “You want to hear _all_ about my political views before you—”

“ _No_ ,” Alec hissed, more irritated than embarrassed by the reminder that he was apparently sure would follow. “I just wanted to know. It’s got nothing to do with _that_.”

“Of course it doesn’t.” Jonathan reached out, his thumb sliding over Alec’s lower lip carefully as he gauged his reaction. It didn’t disappoint; he pressed into the touch almost imperceptibly, eyelids going heavy. For all his efforts, Alec was far too _tactile_ for his own good and while he wasn’t exactly experienced, his naïveté was more an act than anything else. It was rather charming, that he kept trying to convince him that he wasn’t _that_ kind of boss even after their – rather enjoyable, if accidental – night together, but really, they had been better off without the workplace romance-related guilt and Jonathan was running out of time here. If Alec couldn’t talk openly in front of him after he’d let him get so close, then who would he do it with? “Okay, forget the Council. What are you going to do about Valentine?”

Alec leant back into his seat, suddenly tense again. It was one step forward and three steps back with him, but progress was still being made, as long as he was willing to say something. _Anything_. “The transfer’s in two days. There’ll be Clave representatives waiting at the portal in Idris, and I’ll send him to them with Izzy and Jace.”

“Just them?” That would be _inconvenient_. If it was anyone else – anyone Alec didn’t know that well – it would be easier to wave it away as them being a traitor and not ask any more questions. Killing either of them wasn’t really an option at this point and Jonathan tried to keep the frustration out of his voice. “That wouldn’t be very _safe_ , would it?”

“No, it wouldn’t, so they won’t be alone, but he’ll be in their hands. I’ll make sure of it.” Alec was giving him another one of his looks; this time one he couldn’t fully grasp. Somewhere between _you’re starting to ask too many questions now_ and the one of outward mistrust. Jonathan had been on the receiving end of both of them at first and he didn’t want a repeat performance of either; not when he was so _close_. “You can come and see for yourself if you want. I know you take the security of this Institute to heart.”

One thing that usually _was_ impossible to tell with Alec was whether he was being serious or not, especially in circumstances similar to the current ones. Nevertheless, Jonathan allowed himself an apologetic smile. “I’m afraid I won’t be here to see it happen.”

“Why not?” They weren’t in the open mistrust stage; not just yet. There was even an edge of _concern_ , maybe, as if he thought that Jonathan wouldn’t be able to take it. “You seemed— passionate about seeing him imprisoned.”

“Trust me, I am.” He would have added that Alec couldn’t even imagine, but it might have been a bit of a stretch after some of the more recent events during the war. “I’m just not sure if I can make it.” And he’d just been starting to think this through. He had hoped that he would get names and would eventually be able to do some research; see who was vulnerable enough family-wise to be an easy target. This could easily become far too complicated if that couldn’t happen in time. “I’ll make sure to let you know.”

Uncertain how he was supposed to proceed, Jonathan got up from his seat and left before Alec had had the chance to react. It would be easier that way in the long run – the cleaner the cut was, the better.

***

In the end, it was Clary who made his mind up for him. He had found her in the mess hall an hour or so after breakfast still staring at the meal she hadn’t touched the whole time and, when he’d asked her what was wrong, she hadn’t spared any details.

She didn’t know what she wanted to do with her – _their_ – father, but she knew that she never wanted to see him again. _My mother died because of him_ , she had said and her expression had been as dull as it was every time she mentioned that, _and who knows what he did to my brother and I swear, Sebastian, I can’t do this anymore._

And really, Jonathan had seen enough from what the Inquisitor had accomplished with Valentine while she’d been here; chances were, the Clave wouldn’t be much more merciful with his father than he would have been. In the end, they would kill him if he didn’t cooperate, but it would take quite a while for that to happen and they would make sure that he couldn’t cross the wards surrounding Idris. He would _never_ get away. And if he allowed this, then maybe one day—maybe one day he would be able to talk to Clary and tell her the truth. All of it. It would be easier to do it if he kept quiet for now and that was the only thing he kept repeating to himself as he stood by the portal and watched Isabelle Lightwood march his father through it on their way to Idris. One day, it would be worth it and Valentine wouldn’t even _know_. He would never touch her again and for now, that was enough.

“I’m glad you changed your mind,” Alec said, his eyes still fixed on the portal as the Shadowhunters he’d assigned the mission to disappeared one by one, and Jonathan bit back a smile. _You have no idea_.

“So am I.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh. It's definitely not _next week_ as defined per last chapter's supposed update day, but this _is_ finished now! There's actually another story in this 'verse that I'm almost done with and I wanted to wrap this one up first so that it would make sense. Hope you enjoy it and feedback is always welcome!

It was near the lighthouse on what had to be the world’s smallest beach that Alec apparently realised that he’d had enough.

“You know what,” he started as if he’d been holding it in all day, “Jace is right. If Aunt Victoire thinks we’re all going to Hell, someone needs to tell her that we’re already here.”

Jonathan wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to know the circumstances under which both he and Jace had secured themselves a place in Hell according to whoever Aunt Victoire was, but, “You might change your mind if you take your suit jacket off.”

France _did_ feel like one of the hottest places on Earth when compared to Jonathan’s rather limited experience, but – compared to his much more extended experience _elsewhere_ – it was hardly hellish. The house that the Lightwoods kept in Nice was obscenely large for a Nephilim home among mundanes and the guest bedroom Alec had been given had a view right over the rooftops of the last few houses that separated them from the sea. They’d been granted relative privacy and even with the endless stream of voices talking over one another coming from below – Alec’s family was just as loud on this side of the ocean, he’d quickly realised – Jonathan had spent the entirety of last night staring somewhere at the point where the water met the sky, mesmerised by the _vastness_ of it all from a place far less restricting than the Institute’s windows.

Well, not the _entirety_ , really. He’d come back in at some point to find Alec asleep on top of his tablet on the desk and for likely the first time since they’d met, it hadn’t even occurred to him to try and see if he’d manage to work out the password. It wasn’t just that he had to be careful, although that was also an issue – neither Jace nor Izzy had any problem of barging into Alec’s room at all times and Clary had got into the same habit _and_ all five of them had arrived through the portal yesterday evening. It was more that in just a few hours, it wouldn’t _matter_ anymore and more than anything, he wanted to say what he’d been planning to since they’d decided to come here.

It was supposed to be a business trip. That was how Alec had sold it to the Clave – there had been sightings of Circle members in these parts of the country and the New York Institute had long since declared the Valentine situation a personal one, so it only made sense that they’d want to take a look for themselves. Valentine still hadn’t said a word about the Mortal Sword, after all, and it was convenient that they had family to stay with in the meantime.

The real reason, of course, had much more to do with the rather unsubtle attempt to get both Jace and Clary away from New York. An entirely new country and a mission to go with it would be distracting and definitely much better than just waiting for the execution to happen and whoever had decided on that plan had succeeded – they’d left early this morning along with Isabelle and a promise to get in touch with the local Institute and start the search in the northern side of the city and ‘ _you can work from here, Alec, please, I can’t deal with this anymore_ ’. If Jace had been even slightly more suspicious, he might have questioned Alec’s easy compliance on the matter as much as Jonathan did, but as it were, he’d thrown himself into the task he’d been given and left them to their own devices.

“The fewer runes are visible, the better,” Alec said now, but it was clear how close he was to giving in. He was fanning himself half-heartedly with one hand while the other was still tapping away furiously at his screen and Jonathan couldn’t resist leaning in closer to look over his shoulder – just one of his numerous cousins telling him about a visitation, supposedly from the Clave, from a few days ago that had felt a bit suspicious. “We can’t afford to attract attention.”

It was useless to even try, but Jonathan wasn’t about to tell him that. The sun was shining mercilessly down on them and they were both still in full work gear and, really, Alec just tended to be rather noticeable no matter where he went and so was Sebastian and he should have _probably_ picked someone less attractive to kidnap. He suspected that he would have still got to the same place he was now, one way or another – for reasons he couldn’t fully understand, Alec seemed to actually keep him around for what little of his personality that he’d dared to display.

“We’re _already_ attracting attention.” Too much for his tastes, if he was being honest; they were on what had to be the only sort of remote place in this entire city, fully clothed and obviously not planning to get anywhere close to the water. Not that it wasn’t a good idea – it was a _brilliant_ one, actually, and Jonathan only realised that his eyes had glazed over at the thought when Alec looked up from his phone to stare at him intently.

“Are you okay?” Jonathan’s nod must have been particularly unconvincing, because Alec was undeterred – he just pressed further. “Are you _sure_?”

“Completely.” If there were members of the Circle anywhere close by, then he was running out of time faster than he’d assumed. He had _one_ bargaining chip and he’d wanted to use it after his father’s death, when the Clave would have no choice but to accept that he was the only one who had the answer they wanted. Blackmailing his way into a confession wasn’t ideal, but he’d quickly come to the conclusion that it was the best thing he had. “I just— there was something that I wanted to tell you. Not now,” he added, suddenly terrified of the prospect, “but— today.”

“Later, then.” Alec’s eyes darted around the beach before he leant in and Jonathan met him halfway, bringing a hand up to tangle it in Alec’s hair when their lips met. Alec was all for being prim and proper and wasn’t a big fan of testing his already strained relationships with estranged relatives, but there was no tension in his kiss; just the same slightly frantic urge to be closer that Jonathan himself was unfortunately experiencing.

He pulled away far too soon, settling back into his seat. “I don’t think we’re going to find anything here,” he said. The beach had been nearly deserted before, but was almost entirely empty now. “We can try and find the others.”

“Of course,” Jonathan said as he got to his feet. At this point, he wasn’t sure if he was intimidated or relieved by the prospect of waiting even more. Much to his dismay, it wasn’t the first time he’d felt that way.

***

“This is definitely it,” Alec said, attention wandering between his stele, the rune that was supposed to guide him and the GPS on his phone, “but there’s no one here.”

Not even the local Shadowhunters, let alone the rest of their group. It _was_ strange, Jonathan had to admit, although he had bigger things on his mind than that particular mystery. He’d waited long enough and the sooner they gave up on this search, the sooner they could _talk_ and go back to the house where Clary, Jace and Isabelle would undoubtedly wait for them and then— he wasn’t sure what he’d do then. It all depended on how this would go now, which made it all the worse. His plan had rarely been this fragile before and it showed in the way the anxiety was building up in his body whenever he tried to gather the courage to speak.

“I don’t think we’re in the right place,” he said at last, hands firmly pressed against his sides to make up for the fact that he’d lost feeling in them. “Alec—”

“No, this has to be it,” Alec argued in that absent-minded way of his as he looked around the corner as if the Institute would suddenly break through its glamour. “That’s the Orthodox Cathedral and this over there—”

“ _Alec_ ,” Jonathan snapped and regretted it almost immediately when he caught Alec’s attention and saw his lips curl into the thin, unpleasant line they usually assumed when he was annoyed. “There’s no one here. Even if there are still Circle members in the city, they wouldn’t have the Sword.”

Alec narrowed his eyes. “How can you be so sure?”

“I did tell you I wanted to talk.” When he received a nod in return, Jonathan hesitantly started walking in the direction they’d come from, pleased when Alec followed his example. “I— might have an idea where it could be hidden.”

For a moment, the silence between them was deafening. Alec’s voice, when he spoke, didn’t make much of a difference. “You either know where it is or you don’t, Sebastian.”

“That’s not my name.” What would be the point of hiding the truth now? It was too late, he would know either way and all Jonathan wanted was to have it over with, especially when it came to Clary. Once he could talk to her and be honest for once and he’d always felt as if that would make all the difference. The same went for Alec, even if he hadn’t intended for it to _happen_ ; he had always been so honest even when that had meant being borderline hostile and if there was one thing Jonathan couldn’t hold his ground against, it was this. Alec was complicated but not purposefully confusing and by the time he’d realised that, he’d already been half in love with the man, he suspected.

“Okay.” It was an encouragement to continue and Jonathan felt as if they were both bracing for impact.

“I’m not Sebastian Verlac.”

Another nod. “I kind of figured that.”

“ _What_?” He couldn’t avoid looking at him any longer; not when Alec had decided to present him with this. “Since when?”

“Since a long time ago, but especially yesterday.” Alec’s gaze was unwavering. “I asked if you wanted to come and you looked like someone running away. With everything else combined and what Clary told me about one of her visions— it wasn’t difficult to put it together.”

“Visions?” None of this felt quite real, but it didn’t get more puzzling than this.

“She dreamt of an angel,” Alec supplied, “one who told her, _Jonathan is alive_. She told Jace who told her about a place where Valentine kept all his diaries and then they told me. Putting it all together with the disappearance of the Sword and the way you acted when you were face to face with him—” He averted his eyes. “We don’t get a lot of newcomers in New York. A lot of people were affected by Valentine and the Circle, but I’ve never seen someone as terrified of his presence as Jace is until I met you. I hadn’t thought about it before – you made sure of that – and I tried to convince myself that I was seeing things, but suddenly it just,” he shrugged as they turned yet another corner towards the villa, “it clicked. Now, the _real_ Sebastian Verlac—”

“He’s dead.” _It clicked_. Jonathan had never underestimated Alec’s abilities enough to assume that he wouldn’t doubt him at all, but he hadn’t seen _this_ coming and somehow, he was glad. It meant that he didn’t have to say it out loud, at least.

Alec tensed. “For how long?”

“A while.”

“That must have been— convenient.”

He could never tell him. Not this; not ever. It would ruin what little delicate truce they’d managed to establish in the change in the air in the last five minutes.

“You could say that.”

“I could say a lot of things.” Alec stopped abruptly and stood in front of him, one finger pointed at Jonathan as if to pin him in place. It was surprisingly effective. “And so could you. You _do_ have the Sword, right?”

“I do.”

“Then we’ve still got a chance to survive this.” Alec picked up his pace as they neared the front fence and Jonathan could see Clary leaning against the half-open door, speaking to someone inside. _This is it_. He would have to tell them all and there would be no taking it back – there hadn’t been since he’d thought about telling Alec anything at all. “But _we_ will talk once we get home. Don’t think I’m done with this.”

 _Home_. Jonathan nodded. This kind of threat he could deal with, for as long as Alec would allow it.


End file.
